It was a while ago I shared some music with you all. I normally find around 7-10 hours every week for tracking down good tunes and sorting out my playlist (I know, #nerd), but since we arrived to the US, time has mainly been filled with organizing, stabilizing things and getting back into the tracks of a "normal" life on land.
It drives me insane that there's so much good music out there and I have not enough time to locate it all. In another life, I would probably pursue a career within music, as a dj and producer (minimal deep techno or ambient triphop kind), but in this one there doesn't seem to be enough time for it all unfortunately. That makes me sad sometimes, that I can not live in all the conformations that I would wish to. The bitter sweet sadness of life. The things we miss out on when one path is chosen. This quote by Sylvia Plath may be relevant:
“I can never read all the books I want;
I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want.
I can never train myself in all the skills I want.
And why do I want?
I want to live and feel all the shades,
tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life.
And I am horribly limited.”
I often wonder how people with children prioritize (kids are often on my mind, firstly because I am a woman and I also have most of my sisters and many female friends who've chosen to become mothers). Imagine that I spend 7-10 hours a week on music, 20 hours a week reading and writing, 5 hours for cooking, 10 hours eating and enjoying said food, 5 hours for exercise and meditation, and the rest of the time for work, sleep, travel and hanging out with loved ones. All those things are of utter importance to me. I couldn't see my life without any of it and I need them as constant ingredients in my every day life to feel fulfilled, relaxed and in peace with myself. Counting those hours on average...
24 hours per day =
8 hrs sleep
2-3 hrs for cooking & eating
1 hr yoga & exercise
30 min meditation
2-3 hrs reading & writing
1 hr for music
6-10 hrs of work depending on which project I have ongoing in that particular period of life
2-3 hrs of downtime for travel, family & friends.
... there really isn't time for anything else.
I guess I could always choose to remove or cut down on one or two of those elements, but again, they are such important parts of myself and I see none as replaceable. When people ask me if and when I would like to have children, I say as politely as I can, trying to not offend anyone else's personal choice: That in my already filled up schedule of life - which isn't busy and hectic per se (which also is a choice I've made as quietness and harmony is of main importance), but filled with the things that I love and need - there really is no way that I could see myself replacing any of those elements. For sleepless nights? Added costs? Faster aging and potential physical transformation? An overall tiresome existence where I have to leave my own interests at second priority? Constant demand of attention by someone else?
As much as I would love to understand women who choose to give birth, I can't completely spin my head around the phenomenon. And then the added worries and headaches one inevitably have to experience when caring and loving someone of ones own flesh and blood that much. There is nothing that could make me put myself in such a draining position voluntarily.
Many women think we child free are missing out. And obviously we do, family is a beautiful thing as are children in many aspects. But when there is a choice of self development, total peace and harmony vs. constantly nurturing and developing something for someone else, the answer is obvious. People may argue that a woman can have it all. That a modern woman can both work, have a successful career, take time off for yoga, reading and meditation and raise a toddler at the same time - but the freedom one has when not having to be on constant call is invaluable to me and for many others who choose to not have them.
To be able to take off when one wish, to lay in bed six hours after breakfast and read in total quietness if one would feel like. Enjoy late dinner and drinks without having to worry about what time to come home. To be able to hoist the sails and leave for another continent whenever that urge hits you. Work for hours and days without having to feel guilty about how much time one has spent in front of the computer. I totally understand the good sides of having children, but knowing the sacrifices every single woman that I have met with children have to make, it doesn't seem worthwhile to my eyes. Thank god we are different though, imagine if everyone thought as I did, the world would obviously collapse.
Back to one of my real life babies... music. >>This<< is one of my slow comfortable playlists I've enjoyed listening to last few weeks. Works good when wanting to get into a reflective and introspective mode. x
Here's the list for the ones of you who don't have Spotify: